Mixed messages and mixed up lives
I ran into some folks in a coffee shop a few days back. They seem like very nice people yet in the few moments we had to chat with one another it became clear to me that they had made a classic ‘retirement’ error. They had moved to another city to be close to their adult child …and now one of them is experiencing considerable frustration, disappointment and dissatisfaction with life.
We didn’t have enough time, and even someone as boldly curious as I am didn’t feel I had permission to probe too deeply. But it was a reminder to me of how many people waste years of their lives living a life they don’t really want for themselves. And how often we presume that simply being in physical proximity to someone we care about is the answer to life’s challenges.
Are you thinking about moving across town or across the country to be closer to your child/children when you retire? Have you talked with them about your interest? Are you all clear about what that means for everyone involved? And don’t rely on vague generalities.
I was talking to a young couple the other day. The young woman’s mother had said to her at one point that she’d be happy to baby-sit anytime she could help out. But now that the kids are getting bigger, she’s finding the whole situation awkward. Her mother is frequently busy when she call upon her services and mom doesn’t hang around very long when she does commit to sitting duties, wanting to know exactly when her daughter will return to relieve her of her duties. The stress between them is building quickly.
There definitely needs to be a straight-talk conversation in both of these situations. Each person involved needs to be honest about his/her expectations, the time available/required, and what alternatives are possible. Otherwise everyone lives with growing frustration and stress; nobody is being honest and life starts to feel very difficult.
So if you have intergenerational mixed messages, I encourage you to gain clarity on them before committing to anything that impacts the retirement (or non-retirement) you plan for yourself. I am certain that one of the reasons I had such a great relationship with my mother-in-law was that she continued to live 120 miles down the road. Even though that was sometimes inconvenient for us all, overall it worked best. Each of us developed an independent life and we shared aspects of our lives as and when they worked for us.
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